I'm being consumed by jealousy... and I'm jealous over a simple friendship. Emerald has been hanging out with Alton and I'm jealous he can. I'm not entirely sure why, though. I know part of it is that they're around eachother a lot but there's something else that I can't put words to. I know I'm a really bad person for that. I shouldn't be jealous over it, especially since there's nothing going on. I want... something. But what is it?

I've also noticed that the more I write about my problems, the more depressed I get. Just living my life and not making myself think about what I've done through writing keeps me further from the cliffs of insanity. Needless to say, I won't be writing in this or any of my other journals too often for a while... not even my actual pen-and-paper one. There has to be something wrong with me.

If people would quit telling me to give up on things with Emerald, I'd be a lot happier too. It's bad enough knowing what I did without several people constantly reminding me that things are over and they aren't going to hit an upswing. I'm not going to let people crush my dreams, no peer of mine, no friend, no enemy, nor my own self. I know things aren't going to get better between us - who cares if I say us in this context? - because of what I did, but I can still hope. If I lose that, I've lost everything I cherish.

In other news, I'm going to be as pure as Lancelot (before that little mishap) for a long time. I'll leave you to puzzle that out.

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