I don't believe what a monster I am. I did something I can't forgive myself for... A stray thought of mine apparently made its way to the keyboard and to the worst person it could've possibly found. Yes, I think everything is truly gone now. Emerald gave the hardest goodbye I've ever had to face. The worst part is, I can't even remember saying it. Typing it, that is. I could swear on my life that I went to sleep. None of my friends know my password... none of them would ever to get in the way of my mindset either... It had to have been me that said it. It's not like some random person would just hack into an account and send a message to her. So it had to be me. No liquor, either. Straight me. And what I apparently said was a lie to me... I think. I don't actually remember the text anymore, just the gist of it. But I don't believe I'd call someone so deeply embedded into my heart a bitch. I just can't imagine it. I don't know me anymore. I am a beast for doing this. I can't even trust myself to remember things anymore... Talk about living in the land of the damned. If every second of life is truly fated, Fate gave me the shortest straw and I drowned in the wishing well of life.

I don't want to think about this anymore... I'm amking myself so flustered... When that Native American chose my lore for me all that time ago, when he chose the raven, he was right. I think I'll dig up the beak he gave to me. He called me Watcher of the Dead as he put it in my hand, and I asked what he meant by it. He wouldn't answer my question, but finally he told me, "The raven is always last to fall." I'll end up struggling to the very end, trying to see a truth burning brightly in my face.

I'm not doing a good job getting out of my depression rut. Time to switch subjects again... My band came out with a CD after... what? Four years of recordings. Dead Puppet On a String is some good stuff and anyone who might read this should get it. Tivania - Dead Puppet On a String. Remember that. It's about thirty-five minutes of goodness in seven songs. 80's style metal, by the way. Purely awesome... and J.P. and Johan and Tony seriously deserve some credit for putting in all that work. And everyone else. It took a long time, but at least we got the thing produced. Interscope and Century Media are digging it, by the way. Tony's voice, Johan's, J.P.'s, Tony's, and my thrashing on guitars and stabbing at keyboards my just get us signed. Ah, one success.

I guess that brings me to the point that mixing music is very tedious. I wrote a song earlier... just a "quick reflection" type song... and it's all rendered and I have the channels all separate and everything, but I can't for the life of me decide what effects to use. I know I want this thing to have a good beat, sound a little grainy, have a little reverb and maybe a choral element... but I still don't know how to go about it. It's really frustrating. To have worked on this song for such a long time and having everything done but post-recording stuff. Man. This sucks.

I don't know... My thoughts keep getting dragged back to Emerald. I wanted to leave without something like this happening... but my wake seems to birth misfortune. And everyone who knows me knows I tread straight through my past all the time... And all I did was useless.

Back to where it all began... back to where it all began. "Look there, you're well aware, you blew that one and now you care... Don't worry, you'll find her - you might be right behind her."

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

When I was young, I didn't care. I was busy crawling down the stairs...

Yup. I really have no need to vent at the moment, but I'm sure I'll think of something in the process of writing this... If kitty will ever leave me alone. He's been pretty crazy of late... (I wonder if anyone actaully reads this. Hmm. I hope not.) Anyway. If I do choose to name him, I'm going to be forced to make it something incredibly energetic sounding since he's been so... well, energetic lately. I wonder what's going on.

Still trying in the useless department which everyone who knows me knows about... (Verbosity at its best.) It takes more effort not to do anything than it does to try to help. Which sucks. I wonder what I'm going to do if something happens. It really sucks to dream about that. Her pain and hurt... If only there was something I could do... At least they're just dreams, though. Anything else would be unbearable. But if something does happen, what would I do?... How would I even know?
... Quite a depressing thought...

Since I don't really want to dwell on that right now... and because I'll have plenty of time with Mr. Psycho sleeping in my room, I will continue my wondering about magnets. You see, I realized that electromagnets only have magnetic fields when there is a current running through them. This makes me wonder, since the two, magnetism and electromagnetism (as the naming scheme implies), are rather closely related, what in the world is the energy source of the magnet? I was really into this random thought on my walk home and I almost got run over twice thinking about it. I figured that there has to be some sort of electrical source and that it's obviously self-contained. I narrowed the possiblities to some odd extention of the nuclear force that creates the field lines or the fact that Iron is the sink for both nuclear fission and fusion. The problem with the first is, well, nuclear forces with everything else seem really tightly knit and... uh... drawn in on themselves? An exception for magnets would be kinda weird, but quarks are weird. I really don't want to think about what quarks are or what they have the potential of doing. The problem with the second is if it's the midpoint of all this fission and fusion, would its nucleons not really small and not have the potential to pull things that tightly? I mean, you'd expect a magnet to pull electrons and everything, but, despite popular opinion, magnets push electrons. That's why you can induce voltage in a plain wire. So if the forces are repelling, why do magnets attract? Why?! I have no idea and it's going to bug the hell out of me till I figure it out.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Caitlin's emails make me sad. Mostly because they makes me realize how badly I screwed things up...

When you are together with that special someone,
you pretend to ignore that person. But when that
special someone is not around, you might look
around to find them. At that moment, you are in
love.

Although there is someone else who always
makes
you laugh, your eyes and attention might go only
to that special someone. Then, you are in love.

Although that special someone was supposed to
have called you long back, to let you know of
their safe arrival, your phone is quiet. You are
desperately waiting for the call!
At that moment, you are in love.

If you are much more excited for one short e-
mail from that special someone than other many
long e-mails, you are
in love.

When you find yourself as one who cannot erase
all the messages in your answering machine
because of one message from that special
someone,
you are in love.

When you get a couple of free movie tickets, you
would not
hesitate to think of that special someone. Then,
you are in love.

You keep telling yourself, "that special someone
is just a friend", but you realize that you can
not avoid that person's special attraction. At
that moment, you are in love.

While you are reading this page, if someone
appears in
your mind, then u are in love with that person.

Emerald... *sigh*

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

A little excerpt from a sequence of emails to and from a friend:
Moi: "Let me explain that. She isn't my girlfriend. That's why it's hopeless romanticism. I just care for her above anything else, even my own family. I'm none too sure what she feels towards me, but I'm fairly certain she's not in love... The crazy thing is, I think I'm fine with that. As long as she's happy, I really don't care if I end up sprawled out in a gutter. The way she smiles and laughs and does everything her own way... it just elates me to see it. My happiness is really out of the question because, no matter how down I get, I can always remind myself that she's living life how she wants, which is how I want it. Sure, she has a boyfriend. Of course I'm jealous. But I have no problem with it because she's so happy. I'd do anything to keep her that way."
Elle: "Oh, I see. I thought she was your girlfriend, by the way you were describing her. She has a boyfriend ? Wow, That's kind of pathetic... At least you have something that keeps you going."
Later, Elle: "[...]I'm sure she'll learn later on that she's making a mistake..."
Moi: "I can't really say that she's making a mistake. I mean... She's perfect. There's no way I could possibly be good enough for her. I'm sure somewhere out there, there's the perfect guy for her - matching her for intelligence and beauty. But, no, it's no mistake. I'm sure she can see just as well as I can that I'm no where near what she should be looking for..."
Elle: "Well, will you just be there to watch over her for the rest of your life ? I mean, there has to be another girl at your school that makes you swell up. If you really love her, then don't give up. I'm glad that you put that into your own perspective."
Moi: ""Well, will you just be there to watch over her for the rest of your life ?" Probably.
Sure, there are other girls I have my eye on... but I'd never let anything with any of them get that far. Pretty much anyone that I could even think of like... doing anything with besides her, I only think that way for shallow reasons. Of all the things I know, I know loving her is the truest... and I don't want that to slip away."

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

I'm being consumed by jealousy... and I'm jealous over a simple friendship. Emerald has been hanging out with Alton and I'm jealous he can. I'm not entirely sure why, though. I know part of it is that they're around eachother a lot but there's something else that I can't put words to. I know I'm a really bad person for that. I shouldn't be jealous over it, especially since there's nothing going on. I want... something. But what is it?

I've also noticed that the more I write about my problems, the more depressed I get. Just living my life and not making myself think about what I've done through writing keeps me further from the cliffs of insanity. Needless to say, I won't be writing in this or any of my other journals too often for a while... not even my actual pen-and-paper one. There has to be something wrong with me.

If people would quit telling me to give up on things with Emerald, I'd be a lot happier too. It's bad enough knowing what I did without several people constantly reminding me that things are over and they aren't going to hit an upswing. I'm not going to let people crush my dreams, no peer of mine, no friend, no enemy, nor my own self. I know things aren't going to get better between us - who cares if I say us in this context? - because of what I did, but I can still hope. If I lose that, I've lost everything I cherish.

In other news, I'm going to be as pure as Lancelot (before that little mishap) for a long time. I'll leave you to puzzle that out.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Crap. My thoughts have been tilted towards suicide as of late... I want to continue things with Emerald like they were. All of this "keeping away" shit is really taxing. I don't know about things anymore... I want to end all of this but I don't want it to end. I mean, I don't want to move on and I don't suppose I will but I don't want to try to make her do anything for me either. I can't deal with what I got myself into.

Since suicide is a supposedly a bad way to escape temporary problems, it wouldn't weigh heavy on anyone's concience for long if I killed myself, right? If they would've gotten over it anyway, why not speed up the process? I know that everything I've done has to effect Emerald more than she says. If I weren't here to screw things up and drag her down, she'd be happy. I realize how much of a leech I am... with my wanting so much from her. There's no way my clinging to her couldn't drag her down in some way.

As hard as it is to say it, I know I love her. I want to make everything right for her, make her happy... I put her before myself even though she told me not to. I really don't care what happens to me as long as her life goes well and she's happy. Sure, I may get jealous over things, I may want to do some of the things she's doing or talk to the people she talks to, and I know I want to talk to her but I can't. People have told me that she seems happy since I've left her alone so I know what I'm doing is right, even if it hurts me. My method for not bugging her is making me a very dislikeable person also... I've had a great deal of people tell me how rude or what a bastard I am recently. And, if I did kill myself, there'd be nothing left holding her back from all she's capable of... There are many upsides to my death.

I've been told that I had to believe in what I was doing to make everything come out right. I live everyday hoping there's a chance that I can fix things with Emerald somehow, that I could make her happy by doing something... but if she's happier while I'm gone, so be it. It's never going to be alright again if I'm still around... and now I'm even having selfish thoughts. I'm hoping that, in some way, she'll remember me. I don't know if it would cause pain or not but I do want it... but that's hoping for too much... Goodbye.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!